i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
