I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
