please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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