I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
