Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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