the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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