respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
