I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Even my vagina gasped.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
