i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
