Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
