I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize