Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
