i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
