theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
