Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize