Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
