Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
