I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
God I need to hump something, right now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
