the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
