Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
