My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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