just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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