I could have mohawked her pubes.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
