"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
