So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
