You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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