peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
