That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
