thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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