I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
