i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
