i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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