Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
