Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My dick has a subreddit
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
