When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
