Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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