I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
