If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
