and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
