fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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