I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
