Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
