Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
