I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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