so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
