I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
