Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
