Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
