i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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