I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
