So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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