I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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