my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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