i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
