How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
