yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
