Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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